I am on this journey again. It is dark, cold and wet. There is no light. There is sadness, anger and loneliness instead. I have not realised before how familiar my walking path is. It reminds me of a cave built over time with grey, matt stones. I know every nook, roughness and narrowness. When I am here I see no way out. I just walk. I walk away from myself, from others. I walk away from my feelings. They scare me. They tear my chest apart. They make me breathless. That is why the cave exists. It is my shelter from the world. Nobody can hurt me here, but me....
This place feels familiar and safe, so why is it taking my life away? It makes me numb and cold. I don’t recognize how harmful it is. I travel here every time I get hurt looking for protection. I do not need to face anyone, talk, ask, demand. I just shut down and open myself to the demons who tell me stories. There are thousands of them and only one rule to follow; there has to be a sad ending. The more tragic, the better. Simple!
I always listen carefully and with interest. I play the main character. My story tellers tell me that I am not good enough, not worthy, not lovable. I am a failure. I pay a lot of attention to their words, I believe them, I follow the flow, the structure. It is just me and these creatures. I feel like I want to remove everyone else from my life. Reasons are various - they did not ask how I feel, they did not call, they let me down, they do not care enough. It is only the demons who care. Don’t they? They can create the stories from the smallest of things which might go unnoticed by others living their busy life, but not me! So I listen even closer. I listen to how I am abandoned, or how my relationships are falling apart. I feel small, I curl up. I want to disappear. I want to push away even more…
Today is a day for more dark tales. I see the relationship with my sister breaking into pieces, because I have not spoken to her for a week. She has not called you! the demon starts. She doesn't love you...she will leave...why would anyone want to stay in your life?...there is nothing special about you!. Hypnotised, I follow the threads of the story. I walk towards the darkness, dust and pain. I am on my own. Before even realising I push away not only my sister, but the whole world. I want to be alone. I feel desperate, weak and hopeless. I don’t move, I stare ahead...
Somehow in between the storylines I catch my husband’s voice whispering in the background. I force myself to come back, to listen. He tries to break in, reach beyond my demons, change the narrative. One in which I am lovable, where nobody is leaving me, I am worthy. But the demons are ready for a fight! They tell me that only their words matter! I am about to join them in this battle against my husband. I am about to snap. Then he says a simple phrase which reaches my heart:
Anyone can let you down at one point. If you choose to reject people instead of talking to them you choose a lonely path to walk on. Is that what you really want?
I start crying...
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