I sit on the sofa and look out the window. It is one of those beautiful days, chilly and bright outside. The sun comes in and out from behind the clouds highlighting the full pallet of autumn colours from light yellows to dark reds. I am wrapped in a cosy blanket, enjoying a nice, warm cup of coffee. I wish I felt this nice and warm inside. Instead there is a bit of sadness, sorrow and self pity.
People keep telling me that recovery is hard, but it is also worth it. I want to believe them. I want to get better. I want to fully recover. That is why I get up every day and I fight. I face my demons, my fears, my insecurities. I learn to feel my emotions, I make sure I eat, I make sure I don’t over exercise, I restore my weight, I get healthier, I get stronger. Every day I do my best and every day I feel like I am stuck at the “hard” stage.
Where is this “worth” everybody talks about?! At this point I have more questions than answers! Somebody please tell me - Why am I so lost?...Why am I so overwhelmed by my emotions?...What is next?...Where do I want to go?...Where do I want to be?...What brings me joy?...What am I good at?
I want to hold on to something. I want to feel like I am in control again. I want answers. I have this need for things to be in order, planned, predictable. I feel like I cannot drop anything! It is like falling from one trap to another. Is this the recovery?! Is this getting better?!
Does obsessive cleaning, washing, planning mean that I am getting better?! All of these activities are big parts of my life now.
Does crying mean I am getting better? I do cry a lot these days. I cry when I look in the mirror. I cry when I eat. I cry after a meal. I cry when the clothes feel tighter. I cry, because I am tired. I cry for no reason.
Does pain in my tummy mean I am getting better? I don't even know whether it is real. It comes after every meal, it cramps my stomach, it leaves me out of breath. Does fear of articulating my thoughts and needs mean I am getting better?
Do mood swings mean I am getting better?
Is anything from this list getting me closer to feeling at peace with myself or with the world?
My NHS therapist keeps asking me how things were before anorexia. The intention of this question is to bring back the joy from the past. I hate it though! Why doesn’t she understand that I do not want to go there anymore?! It was in my past where something went terribly wrong and starvation was the only escape I could see, so why would I want to repeat this cycle?!
My demons encourage me to enter the dark place again. They tell me it is safer there. They tell me I am better, I am perfect, I am worthy. The only thing I need to do is to get a bit slimmer. It does not need to be much, a couple of kilos. They remind me that I know how to do it. They say that I can do it, I can be in control again. They promise me that all these painful questions will just disappear, that I don’t need to feel all these overwhelming emotions.
I feel like I am at a crossroads, like this is the most difficult time of my recovery.
The darkness… I know it so well. It seems that I need no effort to come back to this place. It is familiar, easy, and tempting. I could just sink there with all these unbearable feelings.
The new place… The new me.... I can find my real self here, I can learn how to fully live. I can experience all my emotions the way they are, without shame or judgement…. It is a place where I can show my emotions, my vulnerability. This sounds positive. Doesn’t it? I have been told that being in touch with yourself is good. It means living a full life. So why do I want to run away from it? Why am I so scared?
I feel like the darkness is fighting the new me and the new me is fighting back. I feel like I am pulled in both directions. I am terrified to step back into that abyss where I am skinny, weak and in pain. I am even more terrified of not knowing what is next.
I chose to believe though. I chose to believe that I can do it. I chose to believe that I can find myself on the other side, connected, grounded and grateful.