I check my watch. It is 10AM. It means that I have 3 hours left until my call with a dietician. I cannot wait to speak to Karen. I have been waiting for this appointment for 2 very long months. I went through ups and downs. I starved, I binged, I purged. I am lost and I do need help.
I check my laptop and make sure everything works, so there are no last minute surprises. I think I am ready. My mind goes through all the questions I have:
Why can’t I recognize when I am hungry?
Why can’t I recognize when I am full?
How do I know whether I have eaten enough?
How can I enjoy food again?
How can I find a connection with myself, so I can eat intuitively?
Can I have a food plan? Please give me one!
I am desperate for answers. I am desperate for someone to tell me what to eat, when to eat and how much! I am desperate to feel better, stronger, healthier. I am also scared and frightened. Eating means putting on weight, getting bigger, getting fatter and the voice in my head tells me that I am already all these things. Specialists call it body dysmorphia. It is the state where a person spends a lot of time worrying about flaws in their appearance. These flaws are often unnoticeable to others. They are definitely noticeable to me. I see each centimeter of the excess I carry every day, so there is a part of me which would like to have a plan that says what to eat to get enough nutrition without restoring my weight. Ideally even lose some.
My notebook and pen are ready, so I can make notes. My husband will be present during the meeting. All seems to be in place and sorted and when the time comes I connect to the video conference call. For some reason I feel a bit nervous. We both decided that it is a good idea for Ollie to join, so he could listen and support me, but second thoughts suddenly pop into my head. Why did I ask him to be present? Do I actually need this call? NHS want me to put on weight, they say it is needed, it is a part of the recovery. I do not want to be fatter! Can I trust the dietician? I know how to prepare a nutritious meal. Why do I need to ask her?
Karen’s voice breaks through my thoughts - Hello Kalina. I look at the screen. I see a friendly, smiley face ready to hear my story. I instantly trust her. I start by describing all the difficulties I go through, all the concerns I have, all the questions I cannot find answers to. The dietician listens with empathy and understanding. She gives me time and space, she does not interrupt. I feel some kind of relief. I finish and look at her with hope. I am ready for a recipe, a magic bullet, anything that can sort out all my issues, anything I can hold on to!
With a soft voice Karen articulates something that deep down I was aware of. I just did not want to see it. I did not want to accept it. I was in starvation mode for a long time, my life was in danger, my hormone levels changed, the performance of my organs changed, my body was doing its best to survive, but it started falling apart. What is more important, I have not reached a healthy weight yet, so it is an ongoing battle. That is the truth. And as much as I fight and I urge myself to recover, it does not work this way. Things will not change overnight, because they did not happen overnight. I lost connection with my body. I am confused, because my body is confused. Can it trust me? I starved, I restricted, I binged, I over exercised, I pushed, pushed and pushed. I did not listen when it was screaming for help, sore, weak and in pain. So I need time now. I need to eat, try new things, discover my taste again, explore what feels good and right. What do I like? What do I enjoy? What do I crave? What is healthy for me? What does “healthy” actually mean? Does it mean eating 3 times a day? Does it mean eating 5 times a day? Does it mean eating a lot of vegetables, only cooked meals, no processed food? Is” healthy” the same for everyone? Let’s take nuts as an example. For me they are nutritious, packed with good fats, but they can kill someone who is allergic to them. Does “healthy” depend on age, activity level, gender?
Everyone talks “healthy” now, but it looks like “healthy” is not so easy to define… There is no one “healthy” way, there is no one “healthy” solution. I wish there was… Instead there is a process of listening to yourself and gaining trust, a process which involves kindness, support and compassion. I need to accept this process, give myself everything I was not giving myself for a long time, give myself permission to try without striving for perfection. In addition to that I need more time and more patience.
When the call ends there is a bit of sadness inside me. I ask myself how could I be so cruel to my body, how could I be so harsh to myself? Am I strong enough to change it? Can I do it? I look at my husband. I feel sad and hopeful at the same time. I am aware that there is a part of me that keeps hurting myself, but I know that there is a stronger part which believes that I can do it, that I can fully recover. I can learn how to be gentle to myself, how to accept and love myself despite the number on a scale.