I look around. I like this cafe. I think it has character - modern, industrial interior interspersed with wooden touches. My husband goes through the menu to make his breakfast choice. I have already made mine. I did it a couple of days ago when we spontaneously decided to go on this trip. That particular cafe was carefully selected by me based on the menu and I am going for “high protein pancakes with magic ingredients".
I look at my husband. I can see he is still deciding. I look back into the menu. My eyes focus on these two words “magic ingredients”. Suddenly I feel uneasy. What can it mean? What flour does the chef use? How much? How many eggs? Is there any sugar? I do not like sugar. I do not use it at all. All these thoughts vibrate in my head. I have a look at the fillings again.
I do not have my fear list any more, so I decided to add banana and peanut butter. For those who are not familiar - fear list was a very powerful list of mine. It contained all the ingredients that I could not eat. If I do, I will never get slimmer! And slimmer is important!
The waitress comes. She brings me back from my mental journey through the menu. She smiles and asks what we would like to order. I adjust myself in the chair. I feel hot. I clutch the menu in my hands. I almost whisper - coffee and pancakes please. I make last minute change. I swap peanut butter for yoghurt. I only go for 100% peanut roast and I have no idea what kind of peanut butter they have here. Not knowing feels unbearable at this point and yoghurt seems like a safer choice. Even if it is full fat. I prefer the Icelandic style - skyr as this one has less calories, but I remind myself - no fear list anymore! I will have a “normal yoghurt”. The waitress makes the notes and leaves. Waiting time!
The smell from the kitchen is nice. My husband and I talk. I try to calm down. Suddenly the doors from the kitchen open and the pancakes are served. I freeze! I can see the shine on them. They have been fried in butter! My heartbeat accelerates, my hands sweat. I look at my husband. I take a deep breath. I do my best to stay present. I remember what decision I made. I want to get better! One more deep breath. I take the fork and knife and cut a generous piece of the pancake. It tastes so good!!! I enjoy it a lot. I want to remember that moment. I want to remember how much I like it instead of focusing on each individual ingredient and frying method! I won my little battle this time. I can do it. I can win the war and walk stronger on the other side. I look at my husband and smile.