I pick up a letter from the floor. Hooray! It is from the NHS. Finally! Since my conversation with the GP, when she told me that I will be referred to the Eating Disorder team, I’ve been waiting for the postman every day. For some reason I feel nervous. I quickly open the envelope. I read the contents. 23th of March!... My appointment with the Eating Disorder Team is scheduled for the end of March. That means I need to wait a month. 30 long days!
I sit down and tears appear slowly in my eyes. A month seems like eternity. I start crying. I grab my phone and dial a number provided in the letter. I ask whether someone can meet me sooner. I am desperate. As a reply I get the explanation that the NHS team do their best. They struggle with resources and they are 6 weeks behind. The nice lady I speak to suggests adding me into the cancellation list and says that they will be in touch if they have any dates available sooner. I hang up. I feel no hope. I feel like there is no way out. I feel like this will be the longest month of my life… I do not know what to do.
The next morning, I wake up early. After yesterday’s disappointment I cannot even be bothered to get up, but I do. I must go for a walk. It is important. It keeps me fit and I feel relaxed while walking. I put some clothes on and I leave. It is 5 AM, still dark. The air is crisp and fresh. It brushes my cheeks gently while I walk fast. I would rather run, but I cannot. It is too painful. I injured myself a while ago. I pulled my achilles tendon and I cannot fully recover. It is annoying, but I do my best not to overload it. I hope it won’t be long and I can come back to exercising.
I look at my watch. 5 km. I accelerate. The path runs through a row of trees. You can smell pines and spruces in the air. You can hear birds singing. Rabbits jump joyfully between the bushes. If you are lucky you can see deers as well. You can breathe in the magic of nature.
I am blind to all of it. I just walk. The faster the better. 10 km. I still have 30 min before my husband gets up. I can do a bit more. Especially because yesterday I had half a glass of oat milk before I went to bed. That means unnecessary calories. I was angry with myself, but it happened. Next time I will think twice before I put extra calories into my mouth. Step by step, a bit faster, I can do it.
I come back home. Quick shower and time to clean. I like cleaning. I like when the house smells nice. Moreover this is another way to move around. I hate sitting still. It just makes me fatter. I do my best to avoid my husband who asks about breakfast. I explain that I am not hungry, I can have something later. To be honest I tell the truth. I “feel” so full in my body, there is no space for food. I have the proof in the mirror! There are still some kilograms to get rid of. He insists on eating together, which makes me angry. I snap, I ask him to leave me alone. I am a grown up person! I can take care of myself. He asks how long my walk was. Realy?! I cannot even relax! I do not ask him how long his shower takes or how long he watches things on TV! Why would I share the details of my walk with him? It is my time! I do have the right to have some of my time, don't I? I am boiling with anger. Cleaning, ironing, washing up, mopping. I try to focus on the important things! He understands nothing. I shut down, I go into my black box, a place where I do not need to explain anything, or face the world and my unbearable emotions. I can just curl up, and time stops. The stillness fills in the space. I breathe, but I am dead inside.
The world is torturing me with great satisfaction and I have no power to object. 29 days left…
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