My body is stiff, sore and tense. It feels brittle and fragile. It is easily out of breath and cold most of the time. Extra layers of clothes, faster walks, warm showers or hot drinks do not help much. I am at the point where I understand that I am underweight, I understand that I have to eat. I also understand that feeling cold, tired and dizzy is a physical symptom of not getting enough and right nutrition. Yes, I understand all of that.... But there are things that I cannot understand at all, no matter how hard I try...
Every day I ask myself the same questions:
Why am I scared of eating?
Why do I cry during the meal?
Why do I feel guilty?
Why can’t I just eat and move on with the rest of the day?
Why can’t I recognize when I am really hungry or satisfied with food?
Why do I see a fat person in the mirror?
Every day I look for wings. Wings that can lift me, support me, make me stronger. I do my best to open up, learn to feel truly, communicate my needs, and be kind to myself. These lessons are really hard and painful. They expose me, they make me vulnerable and vulnerable is a scary place, especially after all the years of wearing heavy armor protecting me from the world...
Every day I ask myself what else I can do to get better. I do not want to abuse my body anymore. I don’t want to starve, binge, purge. I want to recover. I want to enjoy life. Is that possible?
While looking for some answers I find out about Kate and The Bothy.
Kate is a holistic therapist who improves people’s health through a variety of massage treatments and energy work. The Bothy is the place where all this magic flow happens.
I have never been to a treatment like this before. I have no idea whether it works, but I am sore and desperate to do anything that can comfort my painful body. I gather my courage and make an appointment.
I arrive at my treatment destination Gibside - an 18th-century landscape garden. I walk through the entrance. A nice member of staff explains to me how to get to the Bothy. It is around 20 min walk. The day is warm and sunny. I am in no rush, so I walk slowly. It feels strange as my recent walks have been fast. I want to accelerate, but I use all my energy to fight this urge. I look around. Quickly I realise that this place is green and beautiful. The air smells fresh. On my way I pass people with happy kids, friendly dogs and a grey squirrel carrying a massive acorn. The closer I get the more I think about meeting Kate. I feel small butterflies in my tummy. Am I anxious, afraid, scared? I cannot quite recognize what I feel. I have already explained that I am recovering from anorexia and my body is not the most pleasant to touch and Kate did not seem to have any problems with that. So what makes me nervous? Sudden thoughts that maybe I should cancel the whole thing enter my head. I clench my fists and say NO to them. I am not going to give up. I am stronger than that. I can do it! I deserve it, my body deserves it. I am almost there...
I see the Bothy. It looks like a small ginger cottage from a fairy tale. It is full of charm and character. It is surrounded by nature. A smell of sage lingers in the air. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. I sense a warm breeze travelling through my body, massaging the tension from inside. I come closer and knock quietly. I am getting curious.
Kate opens the door with a smile on her face. Hello Kalina. Come in. I look at her with attention. I see a peaceful, friendly face with a depth in the eyes. I feel some sort of comfort. I look around. I love the simplicity of this place. It is nice and cosy and the warmth from the fireplace makes it even more special. I take a seat. Kate starts the conversation. She asks me how I feel, what is on my mind and gives me space to talk. I open up easily in front of her. I share my anorexia story, tell about difficulties I go through and the stiffness in my body. I see that she listens carefully. I see empathy and understanding on her face. I feel connected, safe and comfortable. By sharing bits of her story Kate fills in my heart with hope. She has been through a lot herself and came out stronger on the other side which shows me that getting out from the darkness is possible! I feel like a little seed of trust in life starts to grow inside me. I feel like my body releases some rigidity, unravels tight nots. I stretch gently while sitting. Looking at me with true care Kate suggests a gentle upper body massage and energy treatment which sounds mysterious and makes me even more curious. The fear that she will touch my body is slowly fading away and it is replaced by trust. I lie down on the bed, inhale the sage scent, close my eyes and sink into calmness and comfort. My body relaxes under Kate's gentle and warm hands. My mind pauses and focuses on the experience. I am in a safe place. Calming and soothing. I wish that it would last forever. I smile. I am kind to myself and I am worth it.