Let’s go somewhere this weekend. I raise my gaze and look up at my husband with disbelief in my eyes. Did I hear it right? Did he say “go somewhere this weekend”? Really? This weekend?! I was sitting comfortably, reading my book and he came and dropped this unexpected bomb! Why is he doing this to me?! He does not have a conscience! I suddenly switch into a planning / doing mode. I am anxious already and do my best to calm down. I try to focus, think, breathe. OK, let’s analyse the situation before jumping into unnecessary conclusions.
Today is Thursday which means that tomorrow is Friday which means that tomorrow is the beginning of the weekend which means we would need to go tomorrow. My breath accelerates. Is he out of his mind?! How can he even have this idea?! We have no destination chosen, the hotel is not booked and what about the food?! The food!!! I cannot just eat at any place. I cannot just eat anything. Weekend means 3 days which means at least 6 meals somewhere! That somewhere is not in our house! Moreover that means eating meals prepared by someone else with ingredients that I have no clue about. I feel dizzy at this point. I am not sure whether I can take more of this. Have I really married this guy?
Do you have a place in mind? I reply as calmly as I can, but I can feel that my jaw is squeezed and I clench my fists. I try to show no emotions. I don’t know, but we have National Trust cards. We can pick some places we want to see and book a hotel around. It should not be too complicated. Really?! I feel like punching him at this point. Does he mean we or me? As far as I know he is on his lunch break now and he needs to come back to work, so it will be on me! Place, hotel, restaurants! This is too much! What does he think?
I will have a look and let you know if I find something interesting I answer through my teeth. Let’s talk when you finish work.
Ollie goes back to work. I am on my own again. My comfortable chair is not that comfortable anymore. There is an uneasy feeling inside me. Hunger! Suddenly I start feeling hungry. I need to eat something. NOW! I cannot eat too much though as today is not a day when I allowed myself food. I will just have a bit, just a little. I get up rapidly. I open the cupboard and reach for chocolate and a jar of peanut butter. I think it is a good choice, it will fill in my hunger. I spoon out a big scoop of the butter and eat it on autopilot, without even tasting it. It feels so good. It is like I am in a better place now, it is like magic, I’m in my paradise. I feel like I am flying. I am calmer already. Yes, that was a good choice. I will have a tiny tiny bit of chocolate and that is it. I will have a look at the places where we can go. I break a small piece. Such a pleasure! The place I am in is even happier, calmer and soothing. I wish I could be here more often.
I close the cupboard and I am ready to do some research. I feel a bit uneasy, but try to ignore it at first. It does not want to go away. It is getting bigger. Guilt, shame, more guilt. I realise what I have done. I have eaten and I did not mean to eat today!
I cannot cope with this overwhelming feeling. I am a failure. Hungry! I am hungry again! I reach into the cupboard once more. The rest of the chocolate and jar of peanut butter disappear within seconds. It did not help that time! Where is my paradise, where is my safe place? Why am I more hungry? I curl up and breathe heavily.