I am confused, lost and HUNGRY...
For the last few months I heard: You are significantly underweight... You have to eat... Your body needs food to heal, to get better, to function... Make sure you have three meals per day... Make sure they are nutritious...
For the last few months I ignored all these words. I treated them like unnecessary noise in my head. I knew better! My “better” was to starve and my “better” was working for me until I painfully realised that my body was getting weaker and weaker, almost falling apart.
It was so sore that I had to make a choice - to continue abusing my body or start fighting for my life.
For the last few days I have had regular meals. I felt angry and scared. I struggled and I cried. For the last few days I was overwhelmed by the return of my hunger. It was growing inside me like some sort of unstoppable beast. It brought with it these unbearable feelings...
I sit at the table. I look at the plate and force myself to eat. The food is tasteless, but I keep pushing. I try really hard to find pleasure in it. Piece by piece, small pieces, just keep eating. It is all good for you, I try to convince myself. I feel sad, angry and guilty, but I am almost there, almost finished. I am doing it! Deep inside there is a part of me that appreciates it and feels grateful. This part tells me that these are the necessary steps towards recovery, steps towards being kind to myself, steps to living my life. This part tells me that I can do it.
I look at the empty place and...I am terrified. I realise that I am still hungry! How is that possible?! I have just had dinner! I cannot be hungry! My NHS lead has said that once I start eating everything will come back to normal and fall into the right places. I will start gaining energy, I will be functioning better and I will feel better. This is not happening! None of it is happening! Why have I listened to her? I am experiencing something completely different! I cannot stop thinking about food, I want more and I reach for more. I am overwhelmed and petrified that it will never end, that I will go from one extreme to another. From starving to overeating. I literally feel like my body is growing. I am getting bigger, fatter, and disgusting. II don’t want to be obese! I don’t want to be fat! I cannot allow this! I shake and I cry. I do not know what is happening to me. Food, food, food! Hungry, hungry, hungry! Please someone help me! Is this hunger real or am I going mad?