There are parts of me that nobody knows. There are parts of me that I am not even aware of. They are hidden deep inside my soul, difficult to access. I started discovering some of these buried pieces through my recovery process. I met shame, anger, sadness, fear, loneliness, envy. I must admit, they do not feel pleasant. They make me anxious and agitated. They make me ordinary and for a long time I didn’t want to be ordinary. I wanted to be better, lovable, worthy and perfect. For years I have been putting a lot of effort into working towards perfection. I fought, squashed and repressed my difficult emotions. It was easier than just letting them free. It was easier to wear a mask, be nice, smile a lot, do more at work, do more at home, keep pushing, do not disobey, follow the rules. The little girl inside me thought that others would like her more when she achieves, when she is pleasant and agreeable all the time. People do not want to deal with demanding personalities. Do they?
While chasing impossible I got lost. I detached myself from my soul. I stopped feeling. I stopped fully living. I was running, doing and smiling. I could not drop anything, I had to have plan A, plan B and plan C. I was meeting the expectations the whole world has of me. I did not want to accept my darker side. The side that can get angry, upset, sad. The side that cries, asks for help, articulates needs. That side was asleep for a long time, almost forgotten...until recently when I hit rock bottom and smiling was not an option anymore. I broke into pieces and for the first time in my life I could not figure out the next steps, I just wanted to disappear.
Slowly and with a lot of support I learn to recognize my emotions. I am scared and curious at the same time now. I do my best to listen to the little voice inside me, but I often get impatient. I want the results and I want them now. I understand that I need to go through a process. I need patience and kindness. I also need courage to expose all shades of me, the ones I like and the ones I am ashamed of. I need courage to accept the whole me the way I am, with all my imperfections and all of my flaws. I hope I have enough strength to take it all, to keep walking through, to fully live my life.
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