I pick up the phone and dial the GP number. I feel ashamed. Random thoughts are going through my head. What should I say? That I lost a bit of weight? So what! It sounds silly. I cannot say that. If I think of my life, everything seems to be fine. I get up, exercise, cook, and work. I just get on with stuff, like everyone else. Maybe I feel a bit lost, my concentration is slightly worse and I have less time for family and friends, but this is not such a big deal. Everyone is busy these days. I think I just might be a bit tired, that’s it. Moreover, people have real problems and they do not complain, so why do I? I am not going through anything serious. Am I? Maybe some rest will be enough?
My thoughts are interrupted by a nice voice. Hello, it is Karen. How can I help you?
I take a deep breath.
Awww Hi, it is Kalina speaking. I am not sure why I am calling... I think I need help... As soon as I hear myself I start crying. I feel like I have opened something dark from inside me, and it’s now spreading into different directions, living its own life. I just talk and talk! I don't even know whether it makes sense anymore.
I continue rapidly. I do not know what is happening. I just wanted to be fit and healthy and it looks like all went too far. I exercise 2 hours every day, I am lost in planning meals, researching new recipes, counting calories, I stand on a scale multiple times per day, I have no time for close people, I have no life. I keep talking and crying.
The lady on the other side listens carefully and takes notes. She says I will be contacted by the doctor the same day. I hang up and curl on the bed.
For the next hour I just stare at the phone. I keep waiting. Internal dialog enters my head again. Do I really need help? Maybe I do not? Am I unreasonable here? Shall I call the GP back and tell them that I made a mistake, that all is fine?
I do not even notice when I close my eyes. The sound of the phone wakes me up. I answer and I repeat my story to the doctor, Dr Jane. Her voice is calm and understanding. She walks me through the procedure. I am underweight, so some blood tests are required. I am asked to schedule an appointment to take a blood sample. I am told that I will be referred to the Eating Disorder team, so they can decide on the treatment. It is difficult to say when I can be contacted, so I need to wait.
I listen to the information, but cannot believe what I hear. Eating disorder team? Underweight? I am definitely not underweight! What is she talking about? I do my best to focus. I keep breathing. In and out, in and out.
The doctor makes me aware of the Beat website. It is a charity which helps people with eating disorders. I can check it for more information. My head is spinning. “Eating disorder” - what does she mean by that? I eat really healthy. I have everything under control, everything in order! Dr Jane asks me if I have any more questions. Nothing comes to my head. She signs off my sick note for the next couple of weeks. I feel agitated. I have never taken a sick note before. What will I say at work? What will others think? I cannot leave the team.
We finish the conversation. I feel even more overwhelmed. I cry...and the worst is yet to come.
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