I open my eyes before my alarm. It is set up for 4 AM. I check my watch. It shows 3:45 AM. I am wide awake. I feel energised, powerful, excited. I feel strong. I get up. I have one thought in my head - exercise! I hardly notice my husband who is turning around, still sleeping and trying to give me a hug. I do not have time for hugs. Extra 15 min which I have just gained will allow me to do a bit more of my training. I quickly get dressed, stand on the scale to make sure I am not putting any extra kilograms on and I head downstairs…
Everything is prepared. My water, mat, elastic bands, weights. This is a part of my routine. I set up my training area the day before. That means no wasted time in the morning. I have my workouts chosen. I have my breakfast half prepared. Oats, bowl, pan and the kitchen scale are taken out of the cupboards and ready to use. The kitchen scale! It is very important to have it working. I always check. I make sure that I have spare batteries. I cannot allow it not to work. I have to know how much I eat! I drink a glass of water and open the window so it is cool and fresh. I start YouTube and… I am all in!
Jumps, squats, lunges, plank, side plank, push ups, burpees. I keep going. I love it! I stare at the screen and repeat after the instructor. I am focused, I am determined, I am getting better. I can do more and more. Nothing else matters, nothing else is important. I am in my world and that feels so good!
The clock shows 6 AM. Time to finish. It seems that these 2 hours just flew by. I wish I could do more, but I need to start my work on time. I cannot be late! It is important to work towards my schedule. I am so lucky I work from home. No time to travel means longer training. I jump under the shower and afterwards….my time in the kitchen! I prepare the food. All nutritious - oats, plant milk (must be “no sugar added”), nuts, fruits, yoghurt. I measure everything. It cannot be too much. It has to be just right. I watch a lot of videos where girls are sharing what they eat in a day, so I have an idea of volumes when exercising. They know better than me, they cannot be wrong, so I follow the recipes.
Breakfast time. I do not wait for my husband. I could, but I tell him I need to start working at 7:30 AM. The truth is that I don't really need to, but I like an early start. I can check my emails, I can prepare for my day. I can put my plan together.
Before I eat I always make a picture of my plate. I take a first bite. It is like a ritual…. I eat slowly without unnecessary rush, I taste, I enjoy every piece.
When I am done I feel that I could have more, but I do not. I already feel guilty that it was too much. I need to do some more research. I am sure I can swap ingredients, eat more volume and less calories. There are still some kilograms to lose.
I start my work. I already know what I am going to have for lunch and dinner. In between work tasks I keep thinking what else I could do to be healthier, to eat better, to cut calories…
I make sure I have my lunch break at 12:00. It makes me anxious if my meetings overrun and I eat later. Dinner is between 4 PM - 5 PM, so I do my best to finish by this time. Everything has to be perfect at work, so if needed I can always come back after the dinner to finish what is not done, but….dinner first.
Then afterwards, my daily walk… I always try to squeeze in an evening walk with my husband. I think he slows me down though. I try to push, I walk faster. By the time we are back I am ready for bed. I fall asleep immediately. I have no more time to spare for anybody or anything else. I need to get up early to exercise.
I don't even notice when together with cutting calories I cut connections, intimacy, joy, being with people. I lose myself. It is less and less me and more and more anorexia, but I am not aware of it yet. I just want to be healthy, strong and fit.
So…. I open my eyes before my alarm… I am wide awake and ready!