Kala I think you are not well… I think you need help….
I raise my gaze and look at my sister. She looks back. There is no judgement in her eyes. Instead I see compassion, empathy, worry and a big invisible question mark. We both sit in silence. It feels like Polly has just created some space for me to step in, to comment, to say something. I wriggle nervously. I am uncomfortable. I squeeze my legs and play with my hands which results in gentle cracking in my finger bones. I sink deeper into the chair. I want to curl, get smaller, shrink, completely disappear.
I have tears in my eyes. I want to cry and I fight all my emotions at the same time.
Kala I think you are not well… I think you need help…. - I hear Polly’s words again in my head and they reach deeper. They almost hit me inside. The pain is unbearable. There is a part of me that agrees with her, that wants to scream, shout for help. There is this strange relief that I do not need to pretend anymore that everything is fine, I can open up. However there is also another part….This part feels threatened. It is strong, powerful and determined. This part knows better, makes decisions, keeps me healthy and fit. It protects me from the world, it numbs my feelings. This part wants to shield me from my sister right now - “Just tell her you are fine! Just do it, there is nothing wrong!”.
I am overwhelmed...
Emotions - mine are intolerable. They make me dizzy, almost sick. Over the years I have learnt how to repress them. I was fighting them for so long that I don't even know what I feel anymore. What does it actually mean to feel? The only thing I know is that recently I wake up, I exercise, I eat healthy and I get slimmer and slimmer. I strive towards perfection. I want to be like others, I want to fit. I do not want to be different anymore.
While the two parts of me are battling, something cracks. I start crying. I literally spit out my thoughts. I just talk, without any logic, randomly -
Do you really think I am not well?
I don’t know what to tell you.
I don’t know what is going on.
Maybe I was not always honest.
Maybe I exercise more than I thought.
Maybe my eating habits changed, but I have not noticed that I am eating less. On the contrary, I think I eat more!
I have injured myself and the injury keeps coming back, but isn’t it normal? People do have injuries.
I struggle to prioritise.
I plan everything around meal times.
I cannot make simple decisions.
I have less time for you, but I am busy. That is life, isn't it?
I stand on scale multiple times a day, but I cannot explain why I do it. I think I just like knowing. Is that a bad thing?
The more I talk the more I hear myself, the more I cry.
I realise the brutal truth - I need help! I desperately need help!
I shake. My sister hugs me. It feels comfy and safe. I calm down.
Tired and weak, I come back home. I sit on the bed next to my husband. He is falling asleep. I struggle, but I have to do it. I have to tell him now. I touch him gently. He turns around and when our eyes meet I start talking. My voice breaks, my tears run down my cheeks.
Sweety, I think I have just realised that something is not right. I need help. I cannot face it on my own. I keep talking and talking and talking. He is confused, surprised, and shocked. We hug. I feel calmer and even more exhausted.
Next day I gather my courage to act. At this point I do not realise the true nature of my problem. I do not realise how painful the journey I am about to start will be. I do not realise the tears, the suffering, the everyday effort. However hard it is, I have also yet to discover that it is worth it. I pick up the phone and I dial my GP’s number…