Kala, it is OK. Get up, I am here. Everything is OK. You are OK....
I can hear my husband’s voice. I sit on the floor holding a half eaten sandwich. I have no idea how it ended up in my hand. I slowly come back to reality. I shake and cry. I look up. I can see concern on Ollie’s face. I can see sorrow in his eyes. He hugs me. I look around. I cannot believe what I see. Chocolate, peanut butter, cheese, ham, bread, biscuits, nuts. Half opened packages, half eaten products. I feel sick. My tummy hurts, but the hunger did not go away. It is still here, it is even worse. I want to go to the toilet and get rid of all this dirt inside me. Just flush it down, make it disappear. I am confused, I am upset, I want to scream.
It is OK Kala - my husband repeats with a calm voice. It is OK.
Exhausted, I go upstairs. I lie down. I fall asleep with hope that tomorrow will be a better day… Tomorrow everything will be fine, and will be normal...
My demons interrupt the night, they talk to me all the time. I am half here, half dreaming. I catch my breath rapidly. I sweat, I turn around, I cannot make myself comfortable. I try my best to get at least a bit of rest. I doze off. I run, I fight, I struggle.
I open my eyes. The sun is getting up and I can feel a fresh breeze coming through the window. Hunger is replaced by guilt, shame and worry. With pain I realise that the better tomorrow I was hopeful for looks murky and darker than yesterday. It also brought that strange state. I have been here before. It is a place where I am completely disconnected from the rest of the world. I am not interested in anything, anybody. I just stare in front of me. I do not care anymore. I try to count all the calories I hoovered up the day before. It is difficult to come up with a number. I do not know, but it must have been 5 days worth of food.
I put my trainers on and go out. No food today. No feelings today. Just dark, darker, darkest...