Afternoon time. I rush around nervously with the vacuum cleaner. I go through a task list in my head. What have I done today?
Morning walk - 20 km. Mhhhhh... I could do more, but I needed to come back for breakfast with my husband. We agreed that we will be eating together and I want to respect that agreement.
Shopping - 1 hour. Thinking about it, I will try to do better next time. Let’s say 45 min. I can always walk faster around the shop.
Washing up - this does not really count as an effort as I just put things into the washing machine and it does all the work.
Partial cleaning - I need about 45 min to finish. Similarly to shopping I could improve my timings here.
Going through this summary I realise that I have not really done that much. I could definitely do more, do better. I am glad I planned to cook in the afternoon. It will be one more thing to tick off the list and it will prevent me from sitting down. I do not like sitting down. It makes me anxious. Moreover I do not burn calories by doing nothing and I do have some extra to get rid off. I allowed myself some nuts for my breakfast. I was angry after the fact, but unfortunately I have no super powers to turn back time.
Vacuuming is finished. I head towards the cupboard with a mop and bucket. The floor has to shine! Keep pushing, keep going!
Suddenly I feel a strange weakness in my body, a drop of energy. I get agitated. Why am I tired? I do not deserve a break yet. Do not stop! Move! Move! Move!
Tears come into my eyes. I try to control them, but I lose and they start running down my cheeks freely. I hear the voice of a friend in my head. Gentle, soft and calming. Just remember Beautiful - Be Kind To Yourself...
I pause. My tears accelerate. I look in the mirror. I have pale skin and dark circles under my eyes. I look like an ill person. What am I doing to myself? Why am I doing it? Why can’t I stop? All these things are far from kindness! Starving, binging, purging, doing, pushing…. Vicious circles swallow me every day. I am lost. Can I be kind to myself? What does it actually mean? How does it feel?
I decide to sit down. I breathe heavily. I don’t want to push anymore which seems like a good start… Baby steps towards the right direction. Baby steps towards kindness...
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